there!

I found this article from Philstar.com's Young Star section. Might as well publish it here for future use. Yeah, summer is moving out soon (or it already has, we already have rain here) and this piece may be a little bit late. Ah basta!

Beat the heat
STILL TALKING By Enrico Miguel T. Subido
The Philippine STAR 05/05/2006

I recently moved back down to Manila after about a month of chilling out in Baguio, and I don’t think I’m alone in saying that it is HOT, man. Even my friends down here are complaining about it, and that it’s been the hottest summer they can remember in a long time. I have devised 10 ways to beat the summer heat, some of them are moderate, others extreme, but all of them can be done. So here we go:

1) Fill a large bucket halfway with ice, fill the rest with water, and dunk your head into the mix. When temperatures are high enough to roast a chicken or maybe even a turkey, this is the first and most obvious solution. It’s quick, requires little effort, and delivers immediate and satisfactory results. This will definitely take your heat migraine away, and it can also prevent you from doing more dangerous and insulting things, such as having uncontrollable fits of rage ("It’s so hot! I want to go out, pick a fight, and lose!"), and being just downright rude (To someone in line at a fast-food joint: "Hurry up gramps, not everyone has the time to ask for their food to be osterized for them!").

2) After feeling the ice cold water sliding down your neck and all the way down your back, go to the nearest store, buy some beers and stick them in the same bucket you finished dunking your head into. No one can make a beer colder than you, you can do it! You can also buy some more ice to ensure sub-zero temperatures for your brew. If you buy cans, you can also do this (it’s a bit wasteful, but if the heat is just too much and it takes control of your brain and motor skills, then you have no choice): after letting the cans chill, take one, shake it up a bit and let it sit. Then look for a clean pen or screwdriver, or just something that can poke a hole. Make sure the pressure in the can is high before poking it, so shake it some more. Quickly bust the can open and place your mouth in front of the opening. This will create an extremely fast jet stream of beer, half of which will go into your stomach and the other half onto your face and clothes. You’re gonna smell like a cheap wino after this, but hey, at least the score is You-1, Heat-0.

3) Buy an inflatable swimming pool, fill it with water and maybe three or four bags of ice. Keep the bucket in solution no. 2 near, well stocked, and cold. Once you are submerged in the ice water, it’ll be hard to get up and walk the 10 meters to open that beer. If you end up drinking more than that bucket, then at least you have a nice cool place to pass out, right? Just make sure you wake up before someone fills the pool with more ice and more beer while you’re still in it.

4) Hold an ice-sculpting contest with friends and family. The venue? Your refrigerator. When that one runs out of ice, go to another willing persons house and show them how to sculpt the Pieta inside the freezer. Since the freezer door stays open, cold air is constantly on your face, so that’s a good thing. Your hands may get a bit numb after a few minutes of fiddling with the ice, but if they’re numb that means that they can’t feel the heat, and that’s two parts of your body that you don’t have to worry about overheating.

5) Stay cool and make money, start a neighborhood carwash thingie. Charge a reasonable price and get paid while playing with water. Of course, it would be a bit hard to do this on your own, so look for some like-minded friends who do nothing but complain about the heat. You can also ask your female friends to help you, just make an agreement with them about a dress code: that they have to wear white T-shirts, and that you get to wet them. This will definitely attract more customers. You can also charge more for a carwash by having bikini-clad women manning the hoses and sponges. Just make sure that the girls you ask are game, and that you give them their fair share of the booty. While the patrons are waiting for their cars, you can also set up a tent or some kind of collapsible roof and a table and sell them some of your leftover beer (unopened, of course) from solution no. 2.

6) Instead of keeping your drinking glasses in their regular places, make space for them in the icebox or even the freezer. This ensures a cold drink whenever you are thirsty, and it looks cooler than just plain ice cubes. But always keep ice cubes handy anyway, especially with the heat now. That nice frost that forms around your mugs and glasses will surely melt two seconds after they’re removed from the refrigerator.

7) Go out for a 5-km run at 12 noon wearing leather pants, boots, long-sleeves, a sweater, and a trench coat. You may wear a hat, but it has to be a big, furry one that goes over your ears. People will definitely stare at you and call you silly names, but you are smarter than them and will have the last laugh. By doing this, you will have considerably increased your tolerance to the heat. When all the layers of clothing come off, everything will definitely be much cooler. While everyone has to endure the heat for the rest of the day, you already have the upper hand and can withstand whatever else the sun has to dish out because you’ve felt hotter than that. Since the run is done at noon, when the sun is at its highest point, you will experience how hot the hottest part of the day can get, but hotter. The rest of the day will be a breeze as temperatures descend after 12 noon. You may also start a bonfire at 12 noon. This will result in the same personal heat tolerance increase.

8) Write a story about Eskimos living somewhere in the Antarctic. Create a story about an Eskimo family that has the same dilemmas as the family in 7th Heaven. Or you could just imagine yourself doing the Eskimo grind. Transplant yourself into their world, and all the ice and the cold they live in, and you’ll definitely forget about the heat. First you have to get your facts down though: How do Eskimos live? What seals are they allowed to eat? How long do they wait, on an average, to catch a fish while ice fishing? Get your research right, and you’re ready to imagine that cold place, WHERE IT’S NOT HOT. Our country, since it is located in a tropical zone, will never experience snow. But, through the power of imagination, you can be an Eskimo, romping around in the snow, playing with dogs, fishing, making moccasins, living in an igloo, and doing everything else that they do. It may be hot in the Philippines, but the cold of the Antarctic is just a brain impulse away.

9) Decorate your house early for Christmas. This will create the illusion that the "brrr" months (September, October, November, December) have started, and that it is colder now. Initially you and everyone will know that Christmas is still a bit of a way away, but little by little you’ll begin to get the feeling that it is Christmas, and colder, already. You begin to realize that with each passing day, it is a day closer to Christmas. It then occurs to you that the days are getting colder. You realize this because it is the natural course of the weather to get colder towards the end of the year. Next thing you know, you totally forgot about the heat, and it really is Christmas. This solution will need some time to take effect, but the sooner you do it, the sooner it will start working.

10) Dump eight to nine industrial- size sacks of laundry detergent into the main waterfall of the Manila Peninsula, wait for the surrounding area to smell like newly washed towels and watch it spew foamy goodness into the air. I’m not quite sure how this one will help you beat the heat but that would be a sight, wouldn’t it?

Alrighty then, you now have the proper knowledge and know-how. Go forth, brothers and sisters, and show the sun who is boss. End.

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Fine. My uncle was interred early this afternoon. Minus one. But there are lots of cute little devils and angels sprouting from all direction, from our bloodline. Minus one PLUS 100 diay. Yay! Patay ko ig pasko ani!